Holidays and Divorce

The Holidays can be hell or they can be memorable. What do you have control over this season, and what do you want to remember in 2010? Create your memories for your family the way you want them this year. Perhaps you will want to start a new tradition or better yet, get rid of the ones you hate. The choice is yours. It is your families' experience to control, you don't have to do what your former spouse likes to do for the holidays. You can create your own traditions.

Holidays and divorce

Can you celebrate with your former spouse in the room? Some families are able to open presents together, others are not. What does it take to sit in the same room with your former spouse? It takes you being able to see the good side of them again, and it takes their ability to do the same thing.

Holidays

Holidays can be tough, but it's important that you keep the conflict away from the children. Instead of lamenting that you don't have the kids on Thanksgiving or Xmas, try taking care of yourself (instead of taking care of them). Make sure that you have a support system of adults that can ease your pain. Another approach is to try looking at the holidays as a chance to start your own traditions, spend time with the kiddos and spend time with adults (sans kids)!

Thanksgiving Holiday and Divorce

The holiday season is upon us and if you are newly divorce or separated with children, you may be heading in to unseen territory when planning your holiday celebrations with or without your children.

It may at first feel somewhat disappointing if you are the parent without your child on Thanksgiving this year. Take care of yourself that day. If you do not have family in town see friends, or just do something for yourself, such as see a movie, or read your favorite book. Make it a day about you!

I remember my first year with my children and without my ex-husband. I did not have family that lived in the state so it was important to me that my children would still have the experience of family. That Thanksgiving was a milestone for me. My children and I spent the holiday with 2 other newly separated mothers and their children. The kids had a great time and we enjoyed cooking together. I remember the peace we felt, on that day, we all knew we would be just fine redefining our family holidays as long as we had supporting friends to be with.

How has being single changed over time?

How has being single changed over time?

People are waiting longer than ever before to get married, if they get married at all. People are staying single into their late twenties or early thirties and our life spans continue to grow. Women continue to live longer than men, suggesting that there are many single women at the end of their lifespan. Of the people who do get married, many of them divorce. Fewer people are choosing to get remarried right away, if at all. Although the statistics are changing, Americans still spend more years of their adult life married than unmarried.

Castle Rock Radio

This weeks guest on Life After Divorce will be Brad Yodor; former judge and mediator. He will be sharing his wisdom and perspective from the bench. After serving as a judge for many years, he has some great insight into what works and what doesn't work when it comes to resolving divorce issues.

Listen to "Life After Divorce" at www.CastleRockRadio.com every Friday at 11:00am.

Divorce Coping Basics

What is the number one issue between divorcing couples?

I believe that control is the number one issue in any relationship and it becomes particularly clear to see when that relationship is falling apart, i.e. a divorce.

How do control issues affect the divorce process?

How you act in the divorce process can ultimately determine what the outcome is. If you expect the courts to decide your future by asking the judge to make the decision, you've given the judge the ultimate control. If you take control of yourself and your behavior, by trying to do the best job you can as a parent, you maintain that control over yourself and you can influence your families' future. Remember you can't control your former spouse, but you can control your reaction to the divorce process. You can also have influence over the process. You can choose how you would like to present yourself and your ideas. Do you present these in a positive or negative manner? Do you try to force change or do you negotiate change? Do you act in a cooperative manner or an adversarial manner? Do you make yourself open to compromise?

How can I limit the negative effect that control issues can have on my divorce?

One of the best ways to limit the negative aspects of divorce is to pick the right type of lawyer for you. Work closely with that lawyer so that you are jointly managing the process. Have a good therapist, whether it is a psychologist, a rabbi, a minister or a priest. Stay healthy. Work out. Take care of yourself. Don't over-indulge, don't under-indulge. Don't be sleep-deprived. Don't become maniac or throw yourself into work 24/7. Try to be as emotionally and psychologically healthy as you can to limit the negative effect that control issues can have on your divorce.

PEACE: It doesn't mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm, focused, and steady.